Foreboding

Do you ever just get the feeling something is not right? Like something is off, or something bad is going to happen. Yet no matter how hard you try to figure out why you have these nagging feelings, you can not pin point it until it happens?

I have no idea if it pertains to Lily or our upcoming move. I would take the later rather then something wrong with Lily of course, but I can't help feel something is wrong with her heart. More so then normal that is. Of course if I called the doctors, what do I tell them? That something doesn't feel right in my gut. That she looks normal on the outside, but I fear there is a war raging on the inside? Do I say she seems short of breath, but not all the time. Or that she is sweaty, but that is Lily's MO? I see her lips get a deep reddish/blue, or she seems to be dusky around the mouth, but when I get someone else's opinion, she looks just fine. I wonder if it is my eyes playing tricks on me. She just had an echo done, she was holding stable with her grating on the valve. We all know surgery is looming, but not something that needs to be done right now. And from what I have been told, I don't have to worry about her going into heart failure because of this problem. She won't deteriorate that quickly, not like last time.

Ugh I don't know. I just don't like this feeling. There is nothing I can do but give it to God and pray for peace. What will come, will come, and no matter what, He will see us through it all. That is the comfort I have, that no matter what, I will not be alone, and even if I stumble, I will be caught. I will weather the storm, dancing through it...just don't watch...I may look goofy!

Sleep Dreamless

Oh what I would give to just close my eyes and sleep a dreamless sleep. No dreams of the past, of old lovers, and death. I am tired from sleep...restless sleep. I am tired from evading sleep, and days of insomnia.

I want dreams to stop haunting me
I need to sleep without fear
I want to lay in bed and fall asleep without hours of turning

Sleep...something that most have no problem achieving, while I on the other hand, only get handfuls at a time. No sleep amounts to higher stress levels, out of control emotions, and erratic behavior.

Past, Dreams, please, I beg you, stop haunting me. Thoughts, calm yourselves, dreamless sleeps are better for the body....your body can only take so much sleep deprivation......sleep....come please, whisk me away to the calmness of oblivion......

Dream nothing other then of the stars, the sound of waves, and the wind....peacefulness... over take my mind tonight....I just need sleep!