I sat in the car today while Chris drove, I looked up at the sky and saw a few clouds by themselves and then a group of them together. I couldn't help but think about how pretty they were but how meaningless they truly are. They come and go like the rising and setting of the sun. But unlike the sun and moon which stay the constant size,they will never come back. Once they disappear they are gone, they will never reform into that same shape or the same color. What is the point to clouds? Shade? Prettiness? Or is it for the rain that comes out of a few of them? The live once and then they are gone forever, with nothing left behind, no memory except for if you get a picture of it.
Just like us, most of us will be forgotten 100 years from now, ok more then most of us, almost all of us, except for a handful of the lucky ones. Then for the ones who are remembered, how long will that be for? There will be a few that will live in the heart and minds of many, but for the rest of us, we will go into the ground and there our bodies will rest. Pictures that were taken will be all that is left of us. Our families will pull out the photo albums and they will look at them and talk about who we were, but it was so long ago that they do not know much about us. They will laugh at our clothes, our funny hair but they won't know our story. We live life for what? Trying to climb a ladder to reach the top, to end up alone, when you only have about 70-80 years of life. You have worked to be happy but you still end up miserable. Trying to make something of yourself, to live your life in comfort but having worked so hard for it, you never lived life at all.
Or yet no matter how hard you work, you can never get ahead, always ten steps behind. Never being able to get your feet off the ground because you always have to have your head in the game, instead of the clouds. Dreaming isn't allowed because it hinders your ability to stay on track.
Always searching for something, never seeming to find it. Reaching blindly for a tingle of a feeling you know is the right one. Screaming out to God, Crying for him, reaching for his hand, something, anything that will help you understand the meaning of the life you live, why you were chosen to walk the path that you do. Why weren't you one of the lucky ones? Why couldn't you have the easy life? Did we truly have to be punished for Eve eating that apple? Was it a good apple?
Some days you want to turn your "book of life" to the end and call it done, but yet you want to experience so much more in your life but know you never will. Acceptance is a word you have heard of, and have tried to use, but haven't figured out how to use it yet.....
***My thoughts are all over right now, none of them making sense, so I will call this the end for right now, maybe I will sort this out later, but for now, this is a wrap
Love Hugs and Blessings,
~J~
Monday, May 25, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
What do you do at Dennys???
When going to Denny's for a late night snack, there are some rules that need to be followed.
1: Always go with fun friends
2: Sit towards the back so when doing the following, you won't draw to much attention to yourselves
3: Either try hanging silverware off your nose OR play paper football OR take your straw wrapper and roll it into a ball and try to flick it down each others shirt (this only works if you are with another female)
4: Make sure to talk about the most inappropriate things right when the server comes up and watch them squirm.
5: Have long lengthy conversations with the server about the food on the menu
6: Laugh and have a good time, remember you are probably never going to see any of those people again...well with the exception of the server
7: Make sure to tip well...coming from an ex server, when you sit and have a giggle fest and eat table time, and only have a $15 check, make sure tip at least 6+...
8: Make sure to have a camera to document your craziness so you can not only share it with others but look back on it and laugh.
Now here are some lessons
Lesson 1
Make sure to make a goofy face when taking one picture
Lesson 2
Make sure to have at least one cleavage shot.....wait...I meant SMILE!
Lesson 3
Make sure you are caught doing something stupid
Lesson 4
Continued from Lesson 3,
Make sure you look cute doing it
Lesson 5
Word to the wise...don't snort coke...The Drug OR the Soda!
End lesson. I hope you enjoy our trip to Denny's, if you would like to join our crazy fun sometime, just let us know...more the merrier!
Love Hugs and Blessings
Love Hugs and Blessings
~J~
Monday, May 4, 2009
What does it take to walk away?
Not everything is suppose to come true. There are some words that are best usaid, there are times walking away is what is meant to be. Happily ever afters are for fairy tales. Some love isn't really love at all. Sometimes it is one sided love, where one person has all of themselves in it. They have given anything and everything for it, for the love, for their reason of being, for their purpose. While the other just turns their back and walks away. Thinking that the other will get over it, that it wasn't that big of a thing.
You see, it doesn't always work that way. I loved deeply once, the true love that comes once in a life time type of thing. I had my heart ripped out, handed back to me on a sliver platter, only once it was in a million pieces, only to find out, that pieces were missing. I once experienced the zombie trance, where you go through nothing but the motions of life because you know you have to, just not to worry anyone else. You see everything a little blurry, everything taste the same, sleep is not dependant anymore. You either sleep to much or you sleep to little. Fearing your dreams but not trusting yourself awake because of the pain of it all. I knew what it was like to love with my whole being. Some people telling me it was puppy love, always knowing it was so much more. But what happens when you come to find out it was one sided? What happens when you know you can never give yourself like you once did?
I married, for all the wrong reasons, but married none the less. I have a husband that adores me, far more then I deserve. He sees past my faults, and wants me for the rest of his life. He looks at me as if I was the world. He kisses me as if he wants me to be his last kiss. But yet to me, I feel nothing in return. I have a chance to feel real love, but yet I deny it because of what? Afraid that I wont be loved in return? Afraid that my husband will walk out of my life? I have no need to be afraid of either. My husband loves me unconditionally, and I know he will never walk away from me.
I have seen my husband cry 3 times since I have been married to him, and each time it was my doing. We had been married less then a year, I brought up that maybe we weren't meant to be together. He couldn't even look at me while asking, "What are you saying." When he did look up, his eyes were red, while he chewed his bottom lip, and his body shook. The second time was when I left him, he cried yet again, asking me why. The third time was when I was once again considering leaving him. Why do I want to leave him? He is a good man, he provides for me, our children. He loves me, he wants me, today, tomorrow, and forever. Why do I continue to turn my back on all of it? Why are his smiles not enough? His touch? His kisses?
I built walls, and tons of them. I built them so strong and so many of them, I do not know how to break them down. I feel constantly he deserves better then what I can give him, but I know he never will have any other but me. He loves me the way I once loved. So completely that you forgive everything. Love that when it is gone, you are completely incomplete. I want to love him, the way he loves me, the way my ex wants me to be loved, seeing he loves another that he loves, the way I love him.
I was stupid and careless, and I don't want to be like that anymore...I played my hand wrong in the past, and lost it all. Now here I am, with everything to lose yet again, it is up to me to take what I have and run with it, no more gambling....it is up to me to turn the page, to read the end and close the book to the past......but instead, I reread it, I sit at the table of life with my hand staring me in the face, as everyone else around me grows impatient. Maybe one day I will have the courage to break down the walls....hell, I have the courage now, I just wish I possessed the power and the knowledge.... May our father in heaven impart the wisdom to me in my time of need.....may that day come sooner rather then later.....please!!!
Much Love, Hugs, and Blessings
~J~
You see, it doesn't always work that way. I loved deeply once, the true love that comes once in a life time type of thing. I had my heart ripped out, handed back to me on a sliver platter, only once it was in a million pieces, only to find out, that pieces were missing. I once experienced the zombie trance, where you go through nothing but the motions of life because you know you have to, just not to worry anyone else. You see everything a little blurry, everything taste the same, sleep is not dependant anymore. You either sleep to much or you sleep to little. Fearing your dreams but not trusting yourself awake because of the pain of it all. I knew what it was like to love with my whole being. Some people telling me it was puppy love, always knowing it was so much more. But what happens when you come to find out it was one sided? What happens when you know you can never give yourself like you once did?
I married, for all the wrong reasons, but married none the less. I have a husband that adores me, far more then I deserve. He sees past my faults, and wants me for the rest of his life. He looks at me as if I was the world. He kisses me as if he wants me to be his last kiss. But yet to me, I feel nothing in return. I have a chance to feel real love, but yet I deny it because of what? Afraid that I wont be loved in return? Afraid that my husband will walk out of my life? I have no need to be afraid of either. My husband loves me unconditionally, and I know he will never walk away from me.
I have seen my husband cry 3 times since I have been married to him, and each time it was my doing. We had been married less then a year, I brought up that maybe we weren't meant to be together. He couldn't even look at me while asking, "What are you saying." When he did look up, his eyes were red, while he chewed his bottom lip, and his body shook. The second time was when I left him, he cried yet again, asking me why. The third time was when I was once again considering leaving him. Why do I want to leave him? He is a good man, he provides for me, our children. He loves me, he wants me, today, tomorrow, and forever. Why do I continue to turn my back on all of it? Why are his smiles not enough? His touch? His kisses?
I built walls, and tons of them. I built them so strong and so many of them, I do not know how to break them down. I feel constantly he deserves better then what I can give him, but I know he never will have any other but me. He loves me the way I once loved. So completely that you forgive everything. Love that when it is gone, you are completely incomplete. I want to love him, the way he loves me, the way my ex wants me to be loved, seeing he loves another that he loves, the way I love him.
I was stupid and careless, and I don't want to be like that anymore...I played my hand wrong in the past, and lost it all. Now here I am, with everything to lose yet again, it is up to me to take what I have and run with it, no more gambling....it is up to me to turn the page, to read the end and close the book to the past......but instead, I reread it, I sit at the table of life with my hand staring me in the face, as everyone else around me grows impatient. Maybe one day I will have the courage to break down the walls....hell, I have the courage now, I just wish I possessed the power and the knowledge.... May our father in heaven impart the wisdom to me in my time of need.....may that day come sooner rather then later.....please!!!
Much Love, Hugs, and Blessings
~J~
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Smelling the Memories
Watching the sunrise is a magical experience. Each day it is different from the day before, never the same colors, never the same sounds, and never the same smells. You never have the same waking thought, just as your thoughts are never the same as you fall asleep. We are ever changing, and something as simple as the rising and setting of the sun each day proves that fact to us. Each day we make new memories and remember old ones. No matter how long or how much we try to forget memories they are always there. The smallest things always trigger them. A song, a persons laugh, the touch of something, or as simple as a smell. What triggers your memories?
We all know looking at photographs is the easiest, but they don't run as deep that way. It captures that one moment in time. I don't want to remember that ONE moment, I want to remember all of that moment. My memories are more awaken by songs and smells. When I smell orange blossoms, it reminds me of when I was 15, sitting up on my block wall, watching the sun rise. I watched as a piece of my life walked out the door not even knowing it. I remember the way of the walk, the fluid movements of it all. I remember getting dressed for school, wanting nothing more then to forget.
When I smell the rain, it reminds me of a broken heart, but it also reminds me of a passionate kiss. Reminds me of whispered "I Love Yous". It reminds me broken promises, but it also reminds me of the time I danced in the rain, with nothing but a song in my head and bare feet.
When I smell the dirt in the wind, it reminds me of the summer we were hit with such an awful storm that it swamped our pool. It reminds me of our AC breaking and us checking into a hotel. It reminds me of sneaking out, just to be with someone who meant the world to me.
When I smell toe nail polish it reminds me of the all night giggle fests, talking about relationships, first loves, and what the future would bring.
My memories are strong, very vivid, and never fading. When I think back on them, I am standing there, with my younger self, holding my hand, taking it all in again. I laugh with myself, screaming with myself, and cry with myself. I seem far away at times and those are the moments I am in a different time. Not a better time, just enjoying the past for what it was.
I do not live in the past, you cant afford to. I am 23 years old, and to many that is young, but 6 years ago I was married, 5 1/2 years ago I had my first child. Time moves fast and never stops. I will be 30 before I know it, and when I blink I will be 60, with my children grown, and grandchildren of my own.
Life is an endless cycle until Armageddon. I will not say life is pointless, because we are put here with a purpose, but in the end, come Armageddon, no one will remember it. There will be no one left but God. We will stand before his judgment before then. Will I be welcomed into his kingdom or will I fade away into nothingness like I was raised to believe? or will I be sent to eternal damnation for all the wrong I committed, even though I have been down on bended knees asking for forgiveness. I know God has forgave me, I just don't know how to forgive myself.
Then there is the, what is there to forgive, seeing it is in the past, it can not be changed. You learn from it, and you move on. ...but it is the moving on, the letting go....that I just don't know how to do. Most of you who read this know me, so I don't have to speak aloud what I am talking about.
I want to be free of this burden on my shoulders, but yet at the same time, I don't want it to be gone, its like I enjoy the torment in some sick, twisted way. Why would someone like anguish...why would someone want the pain inflicted through memories?
If I had the answers to that, this blog wouldn't have taken place....ok...that is a lie...because I have all the thoughts regularly, but some of them are normal...not all are sick and twisted....
Ok...my brain is fried....it is taking a break...maybe some caffeine will rejuvenate it...I have a long day ahead of me...spring cleaning!!
When letting go of the old, it is like purging the soul....I can let go of material objects, but I can not let go of my inner possessions....
A fight I will fight for a very long while I am afraid.
Thank you for reading my crazy wandering thoughts of my wayward mind...hopefully the next entry won't be as serious...hopefully the next one will make you laugh...
Love and Blessings.
Jenna
We all know looking at photographs is the easiest, but they don't run as deep that way. It captures that one moment in time. I don't want to remember that ONE moment, I want to remember all of that moment. My memories are more awaken by songs and smells. When I smell orange blossoms, it reminds me of when I was 15, sitting up on my block wall, watching the sun rise. I watched as a piece of my life walked out the door not even knowing it. I remember the way of the walk, the fluid movements of it all. I remember getting dressed for school, wanting nothing more then to forget.
When I smell the rain, it reminds me of a broken heart, but it also reminds me of a passionate kiss. Reminds me of whispered "I Love Yous". It reminds me broken promises, but it also reminds me of the time I danced in the rain, with nothing but a song in my head and bare feet.
When I smell the dirt in the wind, it reminds me of the summer we were hit with such an awful storm that it swamped our pool. It reminds me of our AC breaking and us checking into a hotel. It reminds me of sneaking out, just to be with someone who meant the world to me.
When I smell toe nail polish it reminds me of the all night giggle fests, talking about relationships, first loves, and what the future would bring.
My memories are strong, very vivid, and never fading. When I think back on them, I am standing there, with my younger self, holding my hand, taking it all in again. I laugh with myself, screaming with myself, and cry with myself. I seem far away at times and those are the moments I am in a different time. Not a better time, just enjoying the past for what it was.
I do not live in the past, you cant afford to. I am 23 years old, and to many that is young, but 6 years ago I was married, 5 1/2 years ago I had my first child. Time moves fast and never stops. I will be 30 before I know it, and when I blink I will be 60, with my children grown, and grandchildren of my own.
Life is an endless cycle until Armageddon. I will not say life is pointless, because we are put here with a purpose, but in the end, come Armageddon, no one will remember it. There will be no one left but God. We will stand before his judgment before then. Will I be welcomed into his kingdom or will I fade away into nothingness like I was raised to believe? or will I be sent to eternal damnation for all the wrong I committed, even though I have been down on bended knees asking for forgiveness. I know God has forgave me, I just don't know how to forgive myself.
Then there is the, what is there to forgive, seeing it is in the past, it can not be changed. You learn from it, and you move on. ...but it is the moving on, the letting go....that I just don't know how to do. Most of you who read this know me, so I don't have to speak aloud what I am talking about.
I want to be free of this burden on my shoulders, but yet at the same time, I don't want it to be gone, its like I enjoy the torment in some sick, twisted way. Why would someone like anguish...why would someone want the pain inflicted through memories?
If I had the answers to that, this blog wouldn't have taken place....ok...that is a lie...because I have all the thoughts regularly, but some of them are normal...not all are sick and twisted....
Ok...my brain is fried....it is taking a break...maybe some caffeine will rejuvenate it...I have a long day ahead of me...spring cleaning!!
When letting go of the old, it is like purging the soul....I can let go of material objects, but I can not let go of my inner possessions....
A fight I will fight for a very long while I am afraid.
Thank you for reading my crazy wandering thoughts of my wayward mind...hopefully the next entry won't be as serious...hopefully the next one will make you laugh...
Love and Blessings.
Jenna
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