What does it take to walk away?

Not everything is suppose to come true. There are some words that are best usaid, there are times walking away is what is meant to be. Happily ever afters are for fairy tales. Some love isn't really love at all. Sometimes it is one sided love, where one person has all of themselves in it. They have given anything and everything for it, for the love, for their reason of being, for their purpose. While the other just turns their back and walks away. Thinking that the other will get over it, that it wasn't that big of a thing.

You see, it doesn't always work that way. I loved deeply once, the true love that comes once in a life time type of thing. I had my heart ripped out, handed back to me on a sliver platter, only once it was in a million pieces, only to find out, that pieces were missing. I once experienced the zombie trance, where you go through nothing but the motions of life because you know you have to, just not to worry anyone else. You see everything a little blurry, everything taste the same, sleep is not dependant anymore. You either sleep to much or you sleep to little. Fearing your dreams but not trusting yourself awake because of the pain of it all. I knew what it was like to love with my whole being. Some people telling me it was puppy love, always knowing it was so much more. But what happens when you come to find out it was one sided? What happens when you know you can never give yourself like you once did?

I married, for all the wrong reasons, but married none the less. I have a husband that adores me, far more then I deserve. He sees past my faults, and wants me for the rest of his life. He looks at me as if I was the world. He kisses me as if he wants me to be his last kiss. But yet to me, I feel nothing in return. I have a chance to feel real love, but yet I deny it because of what? Afraid that I wont be loved in return? Afraid that my husband will walk out of my life? I have no need to be afraid of either. My husband loves me unconditionally, and I know he will never walk away from me.

I have seen my husband cry 3 times since I have been married to him, and each time it was my doing. We had been married less then a year, I brought up that maybe we weren't meant to be together. He couldn't even look at me while asking, "What are you saying." When he did look up, his eyes were red, while he chewed his bottom lip, and his body shook. The second time was when I left him, he cried yet again, asking me why. The third time was when I was once again considering leaving him. Why do I want to leave him? He is a good man, he provides for me, our children. He loves me, he wants me, today, tomorrow, and forever. Why do I continue to turn my back on all of it? Why are his smiles not enough? His touch? His kisses?

I built walls, and tons of them. I built them so strong and so many of them, I do not know how to break them down. I feel constantly he deserves better then what I can give him, but I know he never will have any other but me. He loves me the way I once loved. So completely that you forgive everything. Love that when it is gone, you are completely incomplete. I want to love him, the way he loves me, the way my ex wants me to be loved, seeing he loves another that he loves, the way I love him.

I was stupid and careless, and I don't want to be like that anymore...I played my hand wrong in the past, and lost it all. Now here I am, with everything to lose yet again, it is up to me to take what I have and run with it, no more gambling....it is up to me to turn the page, to read the end and close the book to the past......but instead, I reread it, I sit at the table of life with my hand staring me in the face, as everyone else around me grows impatient. Maybe one day I will have the courage to break down the walls....hell, I have the courage now, I just wish I possessed the power and the knowledge.... May our father in heaven impart the wisdom to me in my time of need.....may that day come sooner rather then later.....please!!!

Much Love, Hugs, and Blessings

~J~