Whispered I Love Yous

As I fell asleep last night, my arms longed to hold something, someone. I closed my eyes and held my pillow, but I truly wanted my husband in bed with me. I ended up drifting off to sleep by myself, hugging my pillow tightly to my chest, being thankful for the man I have. Even though he was out in the living room, when I was falling asleep into dreamland.
When I awoke later in the night, I rolled over and my hand ran into his back, into the warmth of his slumbering body, I heard his exhale, his ever so quiet snores, and I felt peace. I ran my hand up to his hair, stroked it once or twice for comfort, reached over and kissed the closes part of him, which happened to be his shoulder. Out of habit, reflex, or just knowing it was me, he hummed approval in his sleep and whispered "I love you." No truer words have I heard from him, through all we have been through, he has loved me through it all. I am blessed with a forgiving husband, a humbled husband, and a loving one. He may not like my flaws, but excepts my imperfections with humility, and knows we both are imperfect, but he sees through it all and sees the beauty that lies within it all. He adores me, some days I wonder how, or why, but others I am humbled by just knowing. That at the end of the day, as I crawl into bed, he will shortly follow, wrap his arms around me until he falls asleep. Then roll over and whisper "I love you." all over again. We may have or differences, but we have learned that in the end, there is no reason to fight over things we can not change, to except and change those we can, and love each other through it all.

I love you Christopher, thank you for loving me with all my flaws, with my temper, with my unyielding stubbornness, you make me a better woman because of it.

Love Your Wife
~J~

Echos

Reaching out beyond the far
Hoping to catch a wishing star
Closing your eyes hoping for a new day
Hushing words, promises that it'll be ok

Flying free, but yet encased
Trying to hide, yet it has to be faced
Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow
Time never seems enough,
but there is none there to borrow

Reaching for dreams, wanting to accomplish goals
Fades away with each passing day,
beginning to take their toll
Wanting nothing more to please
always doing ones duty
Feeling the worth of nothing more then ones beauty

Closing of the eyes, signals the end for now
Feeling the need to take a bow
Curling into a ball instead
The woman I have become, tucked into bed.

~J~

Foreboding

Do you ever just get the feeling something is not right? Like something is off, or something bad is going to happen. Yet no matter how hard you try to figure out why you have these nagging feelings, you can not pin point it until it happens?

I have no idea if it pertains to Lily or our upcoming move. I would take the later rather then something wrong with Lily of course, but I can't help feel something is wrong with her heart. More so then normal that is. Of course if I called the doctors, what do I tell them? That something doesn't feel right in my gut. That she looks normal on the outside, but I fear there is a war raging on the inside? Do I say she seems short of breath, but not all the time. Or that she is sweaty, but that is Lily's MO? I see her lips get a deep reddish/blue, or she seems to be dusky around the mouth, but when I get someone else's opinion, she looks just fine. I wonder if it is my eyes playing tricks on me. She just had an echo done, she was holding stable with her grating on the valve. We all know surgery is looming, but not something that needs to be done right now. And from what I have been told, I don't have to worry about her going into heart failure because of this problem. She won't deteriorate that quickly, not like last time.

Ugh I don't know. I just don't like this feeling. There is nothing I can do but give it to God and pray for peace. What will come, will come, and no matter what, He will see us through it all. That is the comfort I have, that no matter what, I will not be alone, and even if I stumble, I will be caught. I will weather the storm, dancing through it...just don't watch...I may look goofy!

Sleep Dreamless

Oh what I would give to just close my eyes and sleep a dreamless sleep. No dreams of the past, of old lovers, and death. I am tired from sleep...restless sleep. I am tired from evading sleep, and days of insomnia.

I want dreams to stop haunting me
I need to sleep without fear
I want to lay in bed and fall asleep without hours of turning

Sleep...something that most have no problem achieving, while I on the other hand, only get handfuls at a time. No sleep amounts to higher stress levels, out of control emotions, and erratic behavior.

Past, Dreams, please, I beg you, stop haunting me. Thoughts, calm yourselves, dreamless sleeps are better for the body....your body can only take so much sleep deprivation......sleep....come please, whisk me away to the calmness of oblivion......

Dream nothing other then of the stars, the sound of waves, and the wind....peacefulness... over take my mind tonight....I just need sleep!

Shapless Clouds

I sat in the car today while Chris drove, I looked up at the sky and saw a few clouds by themselves and then a group of them together. I couldn't help but think about how pretty they were but how meaningless they truly are. They come and go like the rising and setting of the sun. But unlike the sun and moon which stay the constant size,they will never come back. Once they disappear they are gone, they will never reform into that same shape or the same color. What is the point to clouds? Shade? Prettiness? Or is it for the rain that comes out of a few of them? The live once and then they are gone forever, with nothing left behind, no memory except for if you get a picture of it.

Just like us, most of us will be forgotten 100 years from now, ok more then most of us, almost all of us, except for a handful of the lucky ones. Then for the ones who are remembered, how long will that be for? There will be a few that will live in the heart and minds of many, but for the rest of us, we will go into the ground and there our bodies will rest. Pictures that were taken will be all that is left of us. Our families will pull out the photo albums and they will look at them and talk about who we were, but it was so long ago that they do not know much about us. They will laugh at our clothes, our funny hair but they won't know our story. We live life for what? Trying to climb a ladder to reach the top, to end up alone, when you only have about 70-80 years of life. You have worked to be happy but you still end up miserable. Trying to make something of yourself, to live your life in comfort but having worked so hard for it, you never lived life at all.

Or yet no matter how hard you work, you can never get ahead, always ten steps behind. Never being able to get your feet off the ground because you always have to have your head in the game, instead of the clouds. Dreaming isn't allowed because it hinders your ability to stay on track.

Always searching for something, never seeming to find it. Reaching blindly for a tingle of a feeling you know is the right one. Screaming out to God, Crying for him, reaching for his hand, something, anything that will help you understand the meaning of the life you live, why you were chosen to walk the path that you do. Why weren't you one of the lucky ones? Why couldn't you have the easy life? Did we truly have to be punished for Eve eating that apple? Was it a good apple?

Some days you want to turn your "book of life" to the end and call it done, but yet you want to experience so much more in your life but know you never will. Acceptance is a word you have heard of, and have tried to use, but haven't figured out how to use it yet.....

***My thoughts are all over right now, none of them making sense, so I will call this the end for right now, maybe I will sort this out later, but for now, this is a wrap

Love Hugs and Blessings,
~J~

What do you do at Dennys???

When going to Denny's for a late night snack, there are some rules that need to be followed.

1: Always go with fun friends

2: Sit towards the back so when doing the following, you won't draw to much attention to yourselves

3: Either try hanging silverware off your nose OR play paper football OR take your straw wrapper and roll it into a ball and try to flick it down each others shirt (this only works if you are with another female)

4: Make sure to talk about the most inappropriate things right when the server comes up and watch them squirm.

5: Have long lengthy conversations with the server about the food on the menu

6: Laugh and have a good time, remember you are probably never going to see any of those people again...well with the exception of the server

7: Make sure to tip well...coming from an ex server, when you sit and have a giggle fest and eat table time, and only have a $15 check, make sure tip at least 6+...

8: Make sure to have a camera to document your craziness so you can not only share it with others but look back on it and laugh.

Now here are some lessons

Lesson 1
Make sure to make a goofy face when taking one picture

Lesson 2

Make sure to have at least one cleavage shot.....wait...I meant SMILE!

Lesson 3
Make sure you are caught doing something stupid

Lesson 4
Continued from Lesson 3,

Make sure you look cute doing it

Lesson 5

Word to the wise...don't snort coke...The Drug OR the Soda!

End lesson. I hope you enjoy our trip to Denny's, if you would like to join our crazy fun sometime, just let us know...more the merrier!

Love Hugs and Blessings

~J~

What does it take to walk away?

Not everything is suppose to come true. There are some words that are best usaid, there are times walking away is what is meant to be. Happily ever afters are for fairy tales. Some love isn't really love at all. Sometimes it is one sided love, where one person has all of themselves in it. They have given anything and everything for it, for the love, for their reason of being, for their purpose. While the other just turns their back and walks away. Thinking that the other will get over it, that it wasn't that big of a thing.

You see, it doesn't always work that way. I loved deeply once, the true love that comes once in a life time type of thing. I had my heart ripped out, handed back to me on a sliver platter, only once it was in a million pieces, only to find out, that pieces were missing. I once experienced the zombie trance, where you go through nothing but the motions of life because you know you have to, just not to worry anyone else. You see everything a little blurry, everything taste the same, sleep is not dependant anymore. You either sleep to much or you sleep to little. Fearing your dreams but not trusting yourself awake because of the pain of it all. I knew what it was like to love with my whole being. Some people telling me it was puppy love, always knowing it was so much more. But what happens when you come to find out it was one sided? What happens when you know you can never give yourself like you once did?

I married, for all the wrong reasons, but married none the less. I have a husband that adores me, far more then I deserve. He sees past my faults, and wants me for the rest of his life. He looks at me as if I was the world. He kisses me as if he wants me to be his last kiss. But yet to me, I feel nothing in return. I have a chance to feel real love, but yet I deny it because of what? Afraid that I wont be loved in return? Afraid that my husband will walk out of my life? I have no need to be afraid of either. My husband loves me unconditionally, and I know he will never walk away from me.

I have seen my husband cry 3 times since I have been married to him, and each time it was my doing. We had been married less then a year, I brought up that maybe we weren't meant to be together. He couldn't even look at me while asking, "What are you saying." When he did look up, his eyes were red, while he chewed his bottom lip, and his body shook. The second time was when I left him, he cried yet again, asking me why. The third time was when I was once again considering leaving him. Why do I want to leave him? He is a good man, he provides for me, our children. He loves me, he wants me, today, tomorrow, and forever. Why do I continue to turn my back on all of it? Why are his smiles not enough? His touch? His kisses?

I built walls, and tons of them. I built them so strong and so many of them, I do not know how to break them down. I feel constantly he deserves better then what I can give him, but I know he never will have any other but me. He loves me the way I once loved. So completely that you forgive everything. Love that when it is gone, you are completely incomplete. I want to love him, the way he loves me, the way my ex wants me to be loved, seeing he loves another that he loves, the way I love him.

I was stupid and careless, and I don't want to be like that anymore...I played my hand wrong in the past, and lost it all. Now here I am, with everything to lose yet again, it is up to me to take what I have and run with it, no more gambling....it is up to me to turn the page, to read the end and close the book to the past......but instead, I reread it, I sit at the table of life with my hand staring me in the face, as everyone else around me grows impatient. Maybe one day I will have the courage to break down the walls....hell, I have the courage now, I just wish I possessed the power and the knowledge.... May our father in heaven impart the wisdom to me in my time of need.....may that day come sooner rather then later.....please!!!

Much Love, Hugs, and Blessings

~J~