Smelling the Memories

Watching the sunrise is a magical experience. Each day it is different from the day before, never the same colors, never the same sounds, and never the same smells. You never have the same waking thought, just as your thoughts are never the same as you fall asleep. We are ever changing, and something as simple as the rising and setting of the sun each day proves that fact to us. Each day we make new memories and remember old ones. No matter how long or how much we try to forget memories they are always there. The smallest things always trigger them. A song, a persons laugh, the touch of something, or as simple as a smell. What triggers your memories?

We all know looking at photographs is the easiest, but they don't run as deep that way. It captures that one moment in time. I don't want to remember that ONE moment, I want to remember all of that moment. My memories are more awaken by songs and smells. When I smell orange blossoms, it reminds me of when I was 15, sitting up on my block wall, watching the sun rise. I watched as a piece of my life walked out the door not even knowing it. I remember the way of the walk, the fluid movements of it all. I remember getting dressed for school, wanting nothing more then to forget.

When I smell the rain, it reminds me of a broken heart, but it also reminds me of a passionate kiss. Reminds me of whispered "I Love Yous". It reminds me broken promises, but it also reminds me of the time I danced in the rain, with nothing but a song in my head and bare feet.

When I smell the dirt in the wind, it reminds me of the summer we were hit with such an awful storm that it swamped our pool. It reminds me of our AC breaking and us checking into a hotel. It reminds me of sneaking out, just to be with someone who meant the world to me.

When I smell toe nail polish it reminds me of the all night giggle fests, talking about relationships, first loves, and what the future would bring.

My memories are strong, very vivid, and never fading. When I think back on them, I am standing there, with my younger self, holding my hand, taking it all in again. I laugh with myself, screaming with myself, and cry with myself. I seem far away at times and those are the moments I am in a different time. Not a better time, just enjoying the past for what it was.

I do not live in the past, you cant afford to. I am 23 years old, and to many that is young, but 6 years ago I was married, 5 1/2 years ago I had my first child. Time moves fast and never stops. I will be 30 before I know it, and when I blink I will be 60, with my children grown, and grandchildren of my own.

Life is an endless cycle until Armageddon. I will not say life is pointless, because we are put here with a purpose, but in the end, come Armageddon, no one will remember it. There will be no one left but God. We will stand before his judgment before then. Will I be welcomed into his kingdom or will I fade away into nothingness like I was raised to believe? or will I be sent to eternal damnation for all the wrong I committed, even though I have been down on bended knees asking for forgiveness. I know God has forgave me, I just don't know how to forgive myself.

Then there is the, what is there to forgive, seeing it is in the past, it can not be changed. You learn from it, and you move on. ...but it is the moving on, the letting go....that I just don't know how to do. Most of you who read this know me, so I don't have to speak aloud what I am talking about.

I want to be free of this burden on my shoulders, but yet at the same time, I don't want it to be gone, its like I enjoy the torment in some sick, twisted way. Why would someone like anguish...why would someone want the pain inflicted through memories?

If I had the answers to that, this blog wouldn't have taken place....ok...that is a lie...because I have all the thoughts regularly, but some of them are normal...not all are sick and twisted....

Ok...my brain is fried....it is taking a break...maybe some caffeine will rejuvenate it...I have a long day ahead of me...spring cleaning!!

When letting go of the old, it is like purging the soul....I can let go of material objects, but I can not let go of my inner possessions....

A fight I will fight for a very long while I am afraid.

Thank you for reading my crazy wandering thoughts of my wayward mind...hopefully the next entry won't be as serious...hopefully the next one will make you laugh...

Love and Blessings.
Jenna